REVIEWS

Scores run from 0 to -100. Zero means it doesn't suck; -100 means it sucks infinitely. A zero is not a perfect game — it is a game whose problems I can list in full and do not care about.

• Elden Ring

  2022 // PC / PS5 / Xbox

  A masterpiece that refuses to tell you anything, including where you are. Zero.

  0

  DOESN'T SUCK

• Persona 5

  2017 // PS4 / PS3

  The most confident game ever made, and it still made me go to bed at ten.

  -8

  SUCKS THE LEAST

• Persona 3 Reload

  2024 // PC / PS5 / Xbox

  A remake that fixed everything except the tower it makes you climb.

  -41

  SUCKS RESPECTABLY

• Honkai: Star Rail

  2023 // PC / Mobile / PS5

  The best-written game I have ever resented opening.

  -58

  SUCKS LOUDLY

• Final Fantasy XVI

  2023 // PS5 / PC

  Six of the best hours in the series, spread across sixty-eight.

  -62

  SUCKS LOUDLY

• Arknights

  2019 // Mobile / PC

  I have not played it. That is the review.

  -100,000,000,000

  OFF THE SCALE